Thursday, May 19, 2011

Being honest...

Where to begin...this adoption of ours has gone on a LOT longer then I ever dreamed!!! Never ever did I think God's plan was to wait and persevere and learn so much about Him and what it means to trust and depend totally on Him!! At one point when I was totally being attacked I physically ran to my Bible!! Actually, it was my hubby's grandmother's just fit so right and felt very comfortable. She has been gone for about ten years and she and I really never knew each other, but her Bible and all it's notes and highlighted passages were of great comfort to me as well as reading and clinging to the passages that I read.

Many things have happened with the adoption program where our little boy is and it has been hard to watch and wait while they figure it out. I did have a post about some of the issues, but when Blogger went down...the post disappeared. Anyway, it basically said that we no longer were supporting the person that had helped us for our other two adoptions. Which is/was a very hard decision to make.

Since making that decision we have found out that we are now waiting and have been waiting for approval from our little boy center of social work. See, we were told that we were already approved by them and they were waiting for us. Not true we were we wait longer to wait and see if they even will approve us!! Can you imagine all this time we thought we were moving forward and moving along and find out our answer could be NO? How would you feel? And yes, I know all about God's timing and God's will because that is what we want but this just threw us for a HUGE loop!!

God has been working with us a couple and we are much stronger and depend so much more then we ever have before in our lives, so that is awesome for us!!

If it seems like I am complaining and not trusting God, maybe...a little. I am tired, we are tired of waiting. So we are not doing what God is calling us to do. Wait with perseverance and have hope in God...looking at a bed and dresser all ready for a little boy that has our hearts. We have known him just as long as our other two...we met all of them almost four years ago. In a few days it would be four years. He is the cutest determined little boy! So sweet and I can see him in my mind to this day. I don't need any pictures to tell you where his smile lines are and how his eyes light up with joy! How he walks and runs, yes I remember it all!

Being the emotional person I am (or have been told many times) have cried and begged God to protect him, hold him, give him peace and joy!! Keep his spirit bright!! Hubby and I both have!!

We trust God to take care of him as God created him and knows every tiny bit about him!! God knows even more then what I remember! :) So maybe soon we will hear something about moving forward and making plans to travel. Or grieve for our loss of a little boy that we felt God leading us to.

One more emotional thing...this person that helped us I thought cared about us and our children. I used to send pictures and information to this person thinking they were glad to get it. But now I am not sure...I don't know and feel somehow betrayed.

This is me just being honest with my feelings and things that are happening with our adoption. Pray for us as we wait out our fate and that of a little boy that we so much want to call son!


Stephanie said...

Tammy, I can feel your pain through your words. I can not even imagine. Not more than 30 minutes ago, I received some devastating news as well regarding our adoptions. I can very much relate to what you say. I'm so sorry you are going through all this. I wish you all the best and do hope you will be traveling...SOON! Keep the faith as I know you always do. You will definitely perservere. Stephanie

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you always!


Thinking of you all !!