What a word that is. It has been on my mind a LOT lately. Probably more than that of an average person. It has been on my mind because I have a 92 1/2 year old grandmother that I watch age on a daily basis. When I check on her...is she still going to be breathing, is always my first thought! I've gotten over being freaked out about checking on her...I just ask God for peace and calm and sometimes I have to ask that several times a day!
She had an episode the other day that her heart rate dropped so fast she had a seizure and her mouth and nose turned blue. I knew something was going to happen, I was just unsure as to when in the day. I now believe that was God giving me the calmness and peace I needed for that moment in time. My mom was with us as well as my hubby when it happened. She came around on her own after about five minutes. We were told we do not need to take her to the emergency room as the fix would be a pace maker...and she does not want any heroic acts done to keep her alive...
So we wait for God to direct our steps for the next move. I have talked a lot about my grandmother in several posts...maybe? She consumes a lot of my day, it used to be worse as I would try to do everything I could to see to my grandmother's happiness. Don't judge me, I know that it is up to each individual and their happiness...but I guess I was/sometimes still do think about how her life has changed over the last seven years...moving twice and having three kids added to her family and all the changes that happen when you get old...and none of them good ones either. So sometimes my grandmother is a WEE bit crabby...but can I blame her? No, not really. She also has gotten very anxious...oh my! Learning to deal with that as well. So many things to think about and the bottom line is mortality.
Another thought about mortality is the fact that my daughter has a disease that will most likely be the reason for her death. There is no cure for Cystic Fibrosis a lung disease that she was born with. People ask if we knew she had it when we adopted her and the answer is yes we did. Some say then you knew what you were getting into by adopting a child that will die. (OH yes, we have had several people over the fours years she has been ours say that to us.) God gave us Kristina and everything that makes up who she is! I do not know how long on earth I will be able to put my arms around Kristina and whisper in her ear that I love her...praying that God will let that be for a long time!!
She has been sick for about three weeks and missed almost two weeks of school because of it. Every single time she coughs, my insides just shake a little. Sometimes I sob when I hear her suffer. I get concerned about how much damage is happening because she gets sick. Not obsess about it...do whatever it is that we can do to help her...but her mortality is always on the back of my mind...God keep her healthy, but he really doesn't have to listen to me...he has plans for my daughter that I don't know anything about and maybe her will take her to heaven at a young age.
But whenever it is I know that she will be dancing with God in the arms of Jesus! Kristina knows about God and knowing who Jesus is and having him live within her. She knows that God sent his son, his one and only son, to die for us so that we may live in heaven instead of suffering in hell for all eternity. The one lesson I can take away form all of this is I can rejoice in the fact that both my grandmother and daughter know Christ as their savior and knowing the fact that they will be together in heaven some day!