Monday, October 3, 2011


Who falls under that description? Well if you are a person they would be old or aged. If it was a machine it would be showing signs of age. In this case I am going to be talking about a person. I posted a little/lot about this person here. And I am still working on that and now more issues have arisen. So we try to keep moving forward.

If I put myself in my grandmother's shoes I think I would die! I can not imagine chronic pain day after day after day ALL day long. We have tried many different drugs and therapies...but none too successful. Her mind knows it can do things, but her body doesn't cooperate. She has been a HARD worker all of her life up until last year she helped plant in the garden. The tv does not excite her, although an occasional movie will. It is hard for her to read her Ukrainian newspaper or parts of the Bible printed out in large print. Every day is a struggle for her.

With her struggle also comes along with my struggle. She sits and I watch her sit and try hard to find things to do even if they didn't need to be done in the first place...things like that. Boy, some days I just want to say I don't have anything for you! But, I keep looking. Some days I just sit and work around her...talking to her about the past (she has long term memory not short) and also talk about my daughter Kristina. My grandmother thinks that Kristina is her little princess and just adores her! I try to keep her mind healthy by making it think and work.

I will not tell a is HARD work!! Harder work then I have done in my life!! Some days I have to beg God to help me even want to help her. I love my grandmother more then anything. She taught me about hard work and cooking traditional Ukrainian meals and about giving and sharing. I like to think that some of who I am I learned from my grandmother. So struggling to want to help her makes me feel so many different things.

Lately she has gone down hill as far as her memory goes and also having to have me home. If I go anywhere...that is with my mom watching her she gets anxious and makes herself sick. So I do not make plans to go anywhere. Church on Sunday is a set time every week and my grandma thinks that a woman that comes to watch her goes by the name Mary. Which her real name is Ann, my mother!!! We don't try to correct her because she wouldn't get it anyway.

Other things have changed as well, she get CRABBY really quickly. Even when I am having a nice conversation with her. Almost like a split personality...and it isn't pretty!! She knows that she needs to leave and take herself to her room where she can calm down. And she does that most of the time but a few times she has had the strength to throw things in her room. No breakables are in there, so she is safe that way. But you know it is sad that it happens. I do smile however...just because it is a 92 year old having a bad a temper tantrum. But not funny because that is what happens to her. I am just matter of fact now with it and I just direct her to her room. It is becoming a normal occurring situation.

When I look at my life I am like a two sided coin. One is a mother of three children wonderfully and fearfully made by God!! And the other is a caregiver of an elderly person. Some days they make me dizzy, like if you stood a coin on it's side and spun it around...hey that's me!! And I wonder so many things...too many to mention but like she wants to go to heaven she is tired of suffering so why doesn't God just take her? Why did God let me have my kids now while I am taking care of my grandmother? Am I doing the right thing with her or should I try something else? And the list can go on and on.

On the days when I get down thinking about all the things I can't do and how I feel trapped I have to remember that my grandmother is going through the same thing. My mom often reminds me about looking for something good in the situation...oh man is it hard, but I can find them I really can!! God is teaching me patience and perseverance... hard lessons I thought I learned while we were adopting. Man, I hope I learn the lesson soon!

Something happened to me a few weeks ago...I was so sad and cried so hard I thought my heart was going to fall out of my chest!! And I felt like I could not reach matter what and couldn't understand it. People would pray for me and I would feel such peace, but when I prayed it didn't seem to do anything. I cried out to God and begged him to show me what was happening! Well, the word forgiveness floated across my heart. What? Forgiveness for what, then God showed me that I had resentment in my heart towards my grandmother. Wow, I about died...I never thought I had that in my heart, I felt bad that I did. God laid that on my heart and I asked for forgiveness from God and I feel like a new person!!

God really knows everything...even things that you don't know you feel. It's like God has helped by filling up my patience and perseverance buckets...I am much calmer, well actually peaceful. I don't take the negative actions and words spoken by my grandmother to my heart...I have God's protective shield in front of me! Thank you God for that! In the of book of James in the Bible God brought the first chapter to my attention again! It talks about counting all of our joy when we go through a trial or a season as some people have called it. Joy? Wow, I can do that because I have been practicing!! Insert smiling face here!! It really changes you attitude about negative situations!!

Don't get me wrong, I still struggle with this a LOT...but if I focus on the positive and God, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!! That verse is in Philippians chapter 4 verse 13. Yep, just tell yourself that and make sure you have a clean heart...asking God to forgive you or show you what you need forgiveness for. I am thankful that I still can care for my grandmother and my children know her! But being elderly is HARD! But praise God I have a few years left before that is me! :) See trying to be positive... Next time you face a trial I urge you to try to think of a positive thing about it. Even a teeny tiny thing!!


Anonymous said...

Praying for you all. Wish I could be there to give you a hug!

Trisha, Duane, and Family said...

Hi Dear Darling Friend...When I worked as charge nurse at a facility years ago...the most difficult part for me was facing the fact that someday I would be OLD!!! Oh that was so difficult for me to face my own aging process and inevitable death. It seems caring for elderly people does that to a person. It's the visual affect that is so difficult. I am definitely praying for your success personally and in carrying out those trying times. I know that my kids are a handful, but, add an elderly person in my home and I would over load. Your so brave and loving to do this!!! God will bless you for triumphing in his Will. I love you Tammy and hold your family right inside my heart. Lotsa love to all and Babushka, too. Trish and Family