Monday, July 18, 2011

Pain...

Have you ever had pain in your heart? The achy pain that does not go away? Then when you would like to tell someone about it, you know that they will just say it was your fault and you shouldn't do it anyway and not really care how you are hurting. Do you know what I am talking about?

I have that kind of pain...have had it for a long time. I just put a lid on it...try to ignore it, shove it way down in the depths of my heart hoping desperately it will magically disappear. Can't tell my hubby because he is frustrated about it on a different level. Can't tell my mom or my sister, it's too close to them.

I suffer alone and try to persevere so hard it hurts! Try to live my life and be the best mom and wife I can be! Not being two faced because I truly truly love my husband and kids and am so thankful for them! They bring me great joy in the midst of the pain.

What is causing SO much pain you ask? Well, this is going to sound pathetic and I am sure people will be judge mental...but I don't care. Being a care giver to an elderly person is the toughest thing to do!! Why do it? Because I promised that I would never put my grandmother in a nursing home!! EVER It's tough!!!

I am now unable to do many things my family wants to do...it causes too much stress on my grandma to have other people watch her. My children are tired of hearing we can't and your great grandma needs us. Even though my kids are not typically developing they still know. I am stuck...yes, I get relief...but not enough that really helps. Oh, but you were gone for three weeks adopting your son, you got a break...WRONG!!! My grandma was so upset that I was gone and things were not done like I do them she was a huge problem for my mom and sister who were watching her. They had more trouble and more tears because of her. So I was 5000 miles away feeling bad and guilty for leaving...and causing my grandma stress!! Mental sounding I know...but it is hard to rise above it. And it's hard not to sound like I am feeling sorry for myself!

So, break your promise and put her in a nursing home...well I can't!! She would suffer way worse then with me! Not only does she have horrible chronic pain issues, she is having a hard time talking in English now...mostly Ukrainian is what comes out! So she would have a hard time communicating and it would be really hard honestly to drag myself over to see her.

You know I talk to God about it all the time because he really helps me rise to the next level. Sometimes though, when something happens that disrupts what I want to do or spoils it makes it so hard to rise above it and just say WHY God WHY? She so wants to go to heaven, she is ready...why isn't God bringing her home? Then other day she was crying to hard that she wanted to die and my dear daughter told her that God didn't have her room ready. Yep, even my daughter tries to help.

Sometimes it's hard to swallow it and persevere through this...feeling selfish that it bothers me so much. My grandma deserves the best the world can offer!!! Hope I am treating her all right...trying my best, God knows my heart. He created it and cradles it in my pain, my agony, my despair. I am not super human, it takes a bit to feel God's peace sometimes... And I think that God doesn't get it...but I am reminded that he really does. He has suffered pain beyond what I could ever imagine!!

God's pain is to see the people he created break his commandments and go against what God tells us in the Bible!! From the beginning of time until this very moment in time!!! And on top of all of that God gave up his son...his ONLY son to suffer and die like a common criminal on the cross for ALL and EVERYBODY else in the world from then until this very moment. His son suffered...for what, he didn't do anything to deserve it...Did you read that? NOTHING!! His blood was shed for me and everybody else. I can not even think to understand the pain God was in...agony!! God gave up his son to give the rest of us eternal life if we just believe in him...that's it...you become a child of God, you have a Father who will comfort you in your worst pain...no matter what! Life will NOT be a walk in the park when you accept Christ into your life...but you will have a peace that you have never known before!!!

That peace comes to me when I cry out to God...and sometimes it's a lot especially when it has to do with my grandma. I have pain a lot and I ask God for peace a LOT!! And I am always so thankful for that peace!! And I know, really I know that God does know pain...I could NEVER imagine giving up one of my children to die for someone else to live. Unthinkable!!! God knows me and loves me even when I get angry or feel sorry for myself, and just get plain old crabby!!! And he has helped me through another spell of frustration...of feeling sorry for myself!! I will miss the rest of the week of VBS (Vacation Bible School) because my grandma doesn't seem to handle change well without me...so, hubby will take the three kids without me. (Okay, thinking about it brings tears to my eyes) My grandma won't suffer and my kids get to be with their daddy!! VBS is in the evening this year...which was going to be great for us!! And I know God will be with me giving me peace even through this period of pain!!! And I thank him for it!!!



2 comments:

Leah S. said...

I know this is really tough! I have never had to care for an elderly relative. I really only know the things you've told me, or that I've heard your grandma say in the background. It's that whole full-circle thing...a child, then an adult, then aging, then back to child-like again. I so understand your needing a break, and no you're not selfish to be feeling sorry for yourself sometimes. That happens when you're feeling cut-off from the world. There is nothing I can say to help you. No advice. Nothing funny to lighten the mood. I can pray for you though, and for your grandmother and the rest of the family. Praying for peace, for each and every one of you. Peace comes in so many forms, and is different for each person. May peace be with you.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you, Tam! Your rewards will be in Heaven. I feel sorry for myself sometimes and I'm not doing all you are doing- It's okay to feel that way sometimes. It's good to talk about it and get it out, so keep on posting. Love you and thinking about you!
~J