To be quite honest, I was so sad that my heart actually hurt! Being me, I cried off and on after we got the email on Friday. Did my quiet time before I went to bed..and was feeling much better about the adoption. When I woke up on Saturday is when it hurt the worst..scared me because I thought that I was getting a peace. A peace that I had asked God for.
God, of course had a different road for me to go...lessons to learn, and His talking to me, so to speak. I went through Saturday with the pain. I even had trouble YELLING during my nephew's hockey game. Love doing that!! The lessons that I was to learn started to come after that...I was eager to learn and know about God and His plan..
Where was my trust? Not just the wishing for my son, hoping that God would change my answer to yes..Trust no matter what. I prayed for God's will...and that is what I have right now at this moment. And I have the peace that I asked God for... Thank you God!
In my mind, I wrote this so much more eloquently then I am right now... I grew so much and learned so much about God during our first adoption. The waiting and trusting I thought I knew pretty well. During this adoption, I was so caught up in saying "if it's God's will" that I forgot the meaning of what I was asking. There are/were verses that I was reading and clinging to, but thinking that was the lesson to learn. No sweat..but in my quest to "fear" God I blocked off any other lessons that I was supposed to learn. I did not multi-task in my mind and heart. My understanding of fearing God, is to get to know Him better...like a reverence to Him.
And I did think, how could God bring this little boy to me, one that I fell in love with and truly thought he was somehow going to be a part of our family? I met him, held him, kissed him, laughed with him, prayed over him, took him to play outside, sang to him, and best of all fell in love with him!! That is when it hit me that people ALL over the world lose children that they have done those same things to. That was reality. It unfortunately is not just me that it happens to.
Best of all...I am learning so much about my relationship with God. It's all about Him. God is huge...He can take care of Jovan. No matter what God's will is up until the end of his life.. I will not stop praying for him, ever! I will continue to pray for the government ...and for the other families that are adopting. It is my hope and pray that they will continue and children will come to have families!
My mother like I said just thinks this is a pause...what ever it is...it has giving me a new lease on life...I have a daughter that needs me, a husband that needs me, and my God that needs and wants me and I need my God most of all! Psalms 33 is a book that I have read during this adoption. Romans 5:3-5, and there are many more.
My little girl is outside in the garage playing "hockey". My nephew played hockey with her last night after his game. We bought her a stick at a thrift store... She was on top of the world! I think she is going to be an athlete! :) Mind you it is cold in the garage...like mid 20's. She is out there... oh, I have pictures from the hockey game...Watching Emmanuel play!! She is glued to the glass!!
A smile for mommy!! Happy little girl!!
We have lots of fun!! Thank you for ALL the encouraging words and prayers! That is so awesome that people I know in person and people that I have met online..pray together! LOVE IT!!! :)